I switched to a new doctor. He was in for a real treat!

Doctor: Any issues with anxiety?

Me: Anxiety? Me? No. Definitely not. Anxiety? Ha! Are you out of your mind? Well, how are you defining anxiety? I mean, yes, I get nervous. A lot actually. Spiders. Bees. Flying. Zombies. You know, the typical stuff. But, I wouldn’t call me anxious. Okay, I do pop a Xanax from time to time. On long flights usually. Or when I’m watching The Walking Dead. But that’s normal, right? Are you writing something down? What are you writing down? Oh my God, you think I’m anxious. Is that going into my chart?

[Doctor continues writing in my chart.]

Me: I see what’s going on. This is a test. To see if I really am anxious. Okay, I get it. Well, I’m not. Did you hear that? Jot that down into my chart.

Doctor: Do you smoke?

Me: No, absolutely not. Wait. You mean cigarettes? No. That’s what you meant, right? I’m just trying to clarify because I do smoke weed from time to time when my anxiety is bad but that’s not very often. Well, it’s not very often lately. I’m actually starting to feel anxious right now. Oh boy, here we go.

Doctor: Let’s move on. Do you drink?

Me: Eight glasses of water a day. (I chuckle) Oh, you mean alcohol?

Doctor: Yes.

Me: Yes, I do.

Doctor: How many drinks a day?

Me: I don’t drink during the day. Well, except for the weekends. And Holidays. National holidays, I mean. When I don’t have to work. You know. Christmas. Easter. The big ones. But I wouldn’t factor those drinks into any average. Should I be?

Doctor: I’ll ask this a different way. How many drinks do you consume each week?

Me: Eight.

The doctor makes a note in my chart.

Me: Teen.

Doctor: That’s a lot.

Me: We have tiny glasses at home. And I don’t drink them all at once. Jesus. Besides, eighteen divided by seven is like two. I think I read somewhere two glasses of red wine each day is good for you. Doesn’t red wine contain like Carotenoids or something? It’s supposed to flush your system out I think. Or thin your blood.

Doctor: Most things are okay in moderation.

Me: What’s more moderate than two drinks a day?

Doctor: One.

Me: I don’t see this relationship going very far. Do you?