Crown Royale

I made another trip to the dentist yesterday. Remember, this is the place that charges $10 if you’re combative or mean. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve spent there. They think I’m high maintenance but overall I have a fairly good relationship with the workers. We like to poke fun though.

Me: Hi, I’m here for my crown.

Receptionist: You mean your tiara?

Me: Now I understand why you’re sitting behind a plexiglass window.

Receptionist (points to the sign that warns of the $10 charge): Careful.

Me: Did you know it actually takes less energy to be nice than to be mean?

Receptionist: I’m trying to lose weight ahead of the holidays.

Me: I guarantee you’ll be a size 1 by Christmas.

Receptionist: Do you want to pay me your $10 in cash or should I add it to your bill today.

Me: I think you’re running on a deficit at this point, so nice try.

Receptionist: Have a seat. Oh wait. You may prefer to stand if that pain in your ass is acting up.

Me: Well, I’d have to defer to you on that.

Receptionist: Lucky for you, the doctor is ready for you now.

Me: It’s been a pleasure.

Receptionist: Not really.

(I walk to the room down the hall and plop onto the dentist chair.)

Dentist: How are you today?

Me: I’m at the dentist. What do you think?

Dentist: This procedure won’t be so bad. It could be worse.

Me: I have a cracked tooth in an otherwise stunning set of choppers. I’m having trouble thinking of a worse case scenario.

Dentist: Okay then. Let’s numb you up.

Me: Numb me up? Why?

Dentist: I have to shave the tooth down and secure a temporary crown in place until your custom crown arrives.

Me: This is the receptionist’s idea, isn’t it?

Dentist: That sweet woman?

Me: Yeah okay. Sweet as bitter chocolate.

(Dentist leans in to inject the Novocaine.)

Me: Oh hell no. I want the gas please. Although I have to warn you, I get loopy on it.

Dentist: Loopier than normal?

Me: I’m glad I’m a source of entertainment for you.

Dentist: Hours of laughter.

(Dentist places the mask over my face. 20 minutes go by. I come to.)

Dentist (hands me a mirror): Here. Take a look at the temporary crown.

Me: It’s BROWN??? What have you done to me?

Dentist: The temporary crowns only come in one color.

Me: The default color is brown? Are American’s teeth that bad? In case you hadn’t noticed, my teeth are all white.

Dentist: Were all white. Ha!

Me: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

Dentist: Tremendously. (He leaves the room for what seemed like an hour. I got bored so I began to sing Adele as loud as I could. Keep in mind I was drugged up.)

Me: Hello? It’s me. The one with the brown tooth. I was wondering if after all these hours you’d like to meet – to go over everything. 

(Still no dentist.)

Me: They say time’s supposed to heal ya, but my tooth ain’t done much healing. Hello? Can you hear me?

(Dentist returns to the room.)

Dentist: If I promise to replace your crown with a white one next week, will you stop singing?  You sound awful.

Me (Continuing to sing. This time it’s Kelly Clarkson): Since you’ve been gone. I saw my white tooth for the last time.

Dentist: Please stop. You can’t sing. And, you’re scaring our other patients.

Me: Oh all of a sudden you’re an X Factor judge? Okay, Simon Cowell. I’m sorry. And just to set the record straight, you’re scaring the other patients. You’re a dentist. People are scared of dentists. So, don’t blame the victim here. I’ve suffered enough. I have a brown fucking tooth. Look! White, white, white, white, white, white, BROWN. Can’t miss it. If I wanted a rotten tooth I would have stopped flossing years ago. And you know what else burns my ass? Those stupid red cups at Starbucks. Everyone’s complaining Starbuck’s destroyed Christmas because they removed a snowflake or a santa or of little bitty reindeer from the cups. Are you kidding me? You wanna know who destroyed Christmas? You did. How am I supposed to enjoy the holidays with a brown tooth? You know what’s going to happen? I’ll probably lose my job and then I’ll be standing in front of the market ringing the Salvation Army bell. People will feel bad for me and they’ll stop and say “Oh you poor little thing. Look at that brown tooth. You’re Christmas is destroyed. Here’s forty cents.”

Dentist: I think I gave you too much gas.

Me: You think?

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