Me: Hi, I’d like to purchase two boxes of Advil Cold & Sinus please.
Pharmacist: I’m sorry but you’re only permitted one box per year.
Pharmacist: Our company is working with local law enforcement and health agencies to reduce the use of methamphetamine.
Me: You mean like crystal meth?
Me: Do you have any idea how many boxes of these pills I’d need to make crystal meth?
Pharmacist: Yes, I do. That’s why we limit purchases to one box per person.
Me: Did you watch Breaking Bad? It’s not a simple process. I don’t even have a mobile home to set up a meth lab in.
Pharmacist: Do you want to purchase the one box?
Me: No. I want two boxes. I have a cold and I take two pills at one time. That one box won’t last me a few days.
Pharmacist: Only one box, sir. I’m sorry.
Me: Do you see me? I have all of my teeth. And they’re white. I’m not a meth addict.
Pharmacist: Well now that you mention it, I do see a brown tooth in there.
Me: Ugh. That’s a temporary crown.
Pharmacist: From here it looks like a snaggle tooth. A methy snaggle tooth.
Me: IT’S TEMPORARY!!
Pharmacist: And I see some acne on your forehead. Another telltale sign.
Me: I’m allergic to soy. Oh my God. I ate a meatball last night made from soy. It makes me break out.
Pharmacist: You seem edgy. Something making you anxious?
Me: Yes, you are. Can I please have my pills?
Pharmacist: We’re begging now? Seems like you’re desperate.
Me: I’m not desperate. I have a sore throat and stuffy nose. I just want my pills.
Me: Here. (I hand him my license). The address is not updated on my license. I moved recently. And it’s a bad picture.
Pharmacist: I see in our records that you purchased a box in March of this year.
Me: It’s November.
Pharmacist: I’m sorry. Only one box per year.
Me: I WANT MY FUCKING PILLS. PLEASE!!!
Pharmacist: Yeah, you and every other pilly punk in here.
Me: Look. Just listen to me for a minute. It’s been a rough week. I’m stressed out. I’m not a meth addict. I’m just sick.
Pharmacist: You’re covered in dirt, you have a brown tooth and you have acne.
Me: I told you. The brown tooth is temporary. I’m getting it replaced in a few days once my insurance company clears up a billing error. It should have been replaced by now. (The pharmacist raises his eyebrows in mocked excitement). And I’m dirty because I moved all of our outdoor furniture into the shed. Ugh. Never mind. Just give me the one box.
Pharmacist: That’ll be $9.08 please.
(I reach into my picket and realize that I don’t have my debit card. I pull out a handful of crumpled dollar bills and change and slap it onto the counter. The pharmacist rolls his eyes. I start to count the money.)
Me: I know this looks white trashy but I forgot my debit card. Okay, here’s a five and three more singles. That’s eight. And here’s some change. Let’s see. 25, 50, 60, 65, 68. I’ve got $8.68. How much do I owe you?
(I turn to the lady standing behind me. I hold my hand up and partially cover my mouth so she won’t see my brown tooth.)
Me: Hi. You wouldn’t happen to have 40 cents I can borrow? I’m short and I don’t have my debit card. I’m usually pretty good about having it on me. It’s been a rough day and I could really use the help.
Lady: I’ve been watching this entire exchange and there’s no way I’m supporting a drug habit.
Me: I’m not a meth addict. What is wrong with you people? You know what, forget it. I’ll suffer through the cold. It’s not worth the aggravation.
(I grab my money and walk away, but not before I overhear the woman talking to the pharmacist.)
Lady: It’s so sad. Another wasted life.
Me (shouting from two aisles away): When I get my new tooth and my acne clears up, I’m coming back. Then we’ll see who’s crazy.
(I’m looking forward to returning soon:))