The 5 Things Only Those Who Are Babies When They Are Sick Will Understand

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  1. I know you were sick last week and I avoided you like you had the plague. And I can see how you might have perceived my behavior as insensitive. But this is different. I’m actually sick. I need you to stay home and and check my vitals. And make hot soup. And spoon feed me. And hold my hand. Please.
  2. No, I wanted the tissues with aloe in them. How am I supposed to blow my raw, bloody nose on this sandpaper? My head is about to explode and all I’ll have to clean up the mess is this box of generic one-ply tissues? Am I not worth quilted, scented 2-ply tissues? And what about the sugar free cough drops. The lemon mint ones. I absolutely need those. I’m not supposed to be under any unnecessary stress. This is not helping. Cough. Cough. 
  3. Can you Google how many people die each year form the flu. I want to know my odds here. And don’t move those papers on my desk. It’s my last will and testament. I can feel myself slipping away as I speak.  I love you, good-bye.
  4. I’m not being dramatic. I am dying. I have a 104 degree temperature. Feel my head. It’s hot, right? It’s the swine flu. Why me?? I wash my hands. I even got a flu shot? Can you hear the pain in my throat? And look at me. I’m anemic and pale. I look like I should be in a casket. This is so unfair.
  5. I will not rest until I know who gave me this cold. What is you? It was, wasn’t it. When I find out I’m going to cough and sneeze on them and I won’t feel bad about it. I refuse to be the only one suffering.

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