Rhea from Ghana

An actual exchange I had in a Dubai hotel lobby.

Woman (approached me at lobby bar): Hello, where you from?

Me: The US

Woman: Oh American. That’s nice. What’s your name?

Me: David

Woman: Do you work here?

Me: Yes, my office is next door. What about you. Do you work here?

Woman (looked around the lobby): Sort of. My work is…mobile.

Me: Got it. So what’s your name and where are you from?

Woman: I’m Rhea and I’m from Ghana.

Me: Let me get this straight. You’re from Ghana and your name is Rhea? Seriously?

Woman: Yes, why?

Me: I can see why you’re struggling to build a business here. I would change your name. Ghana and Rhea, while both lovely names, could be problematic for your value proposition if they’re in close proximity.

Woman (touches my arm): Want me to come to your room?

Me: Not unless you brought an iron and ironing board. I have a suit that needs some refreshing.

Woman: You’re not interested?

Me: In the ironing? Yes. Otherwise, I’ll pass.

Woman: Good night, baby face.

I apologize, You Guyses

A perfect wedding weekend in Milwaukee with great friends is coming to a close. I’m now in my hotel waiting for my liver to shrink back to its normal size. My drink tab cost more than my first semester in college. And I’m beyond dehydrated. I tried to pee earlier and was only able to squirt out a Dirty Martini. Ugh! Before I forget, I want to apologize to all Milwaukeans. Or is it Milwaukeeites or Milwaukerers. Anyway, I want to apologize. I had a grossly unflattering perception of Milwaukee before I arrived. I assumed I’d spend most of my time here crouching beneath windowsills or hiding behind furniture as bullets whizzed by overhead. I was wrong. Milwaukee is a lovely city. And I’ll leave a piece of my heart and liver here. I’m serious. I think I just vomitted a chunk of my liver onto the bathroom floor. Great, now I probably need to apologize to the housekeeping staff. You guyses, I didn’t meant to make a mess. I learned “you guyses” from a bartender here. I’m exhausted now.